I need therapy again 

She takes the keys and slowly drives away from the place that makes her feel she’s insane. Not saying a word chin pressed against the steering wheel.. driving slowly to her destination. Wanting the night fall to come down a little faster. We’re there…. Moments pass by then one foot two foot a head then the rest gets out the car. Hurry before they notice. Smile before it’s awkward. Rush back to the car! Drive slow to home. Pull over. Back on the road. Fuck here we go. Go ahead it’s fine, tilt your head back close your eyes and just cry. Keep crying. Wipe your face and head up stairs. Small talk about your day. Go to your room. And confuse like nothing happen. Like you didn’t contemplat killing your self. Like you didn’t just sit and cry out of nowhere. Like your heart wasn’t just on fire! Yes fucking continue your god damn for fuck sake day

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A timely bestfriend

 Let’s jump to it…. do you see the sunflower above? If so good ; now do you see it’s core and the little dots. From this moment forward I’m going to assume the answer is yes. The core is everything I come across in life. The years I intend on living.  Each one repressing something and holding on to its on story. Like the time I almost felt like falling off the earth with a slo scream. Or the time I had my first kiss. Starting off as a seedling and growing into something I defined beautiful.

The red that slowly sprouts from the core do you see it ? It’s the bloodshed that I’ve come across. It’s the anger I’ve spilt and held on too. It’s the lust and love that came with all my rushes. The red has its beauty too.

Then there’s this vibrant yellow. You can’t miss it. It’s warm. This part represent my smiles. Every laugh, every  hug, and reassuring thought I’ve had.  It takes the place of all the good things that’s occurred in the time being and the future. 

She walked in the room where her husband sat,  watching the minutes tick by before he goes to work. She stood in front of him and asked “what do you see”. He looked up at her with the same brown eyes distant, somewhat like the night sky. He said “

Hey hades here I come

In 1 week I’ve manage to reduce my life to a simple suicide. No hellos or goodbyes just a peace of mind in the thing I need most. Silence… tonight of all nights my  eyes were not moistened but damp. So damp I had to duck down from the man in front of the car as my mother went to go put gas in car ,me bent over wiping my face. So damp that when arriving to work I contiplated weather to be more late so I could cry my heart out.  Tonight was the night I wanted to kill my self as we drive under a bridge and I imagined myself jumping into the oncoming traffic. Right now I’m imagining no longer waking up, the dark, is only scary when things bump in the night . Death I imagine to be silent I may end up oweing my life to hades himself but it’s better then working for nothing stressing over bills and the life I want. No one can ever say I wasn’t hard working I’ve busted my ass since 11th grade. 

wait…

It’s  supposed to be read fast. till the end 

I’m confused , wait what just happened .

you said this was all for fun and you wouldn’t run. That my game was okay and you like the taste of this bitter sweet fantasy. WAIT. why are you mad at me ? im not the one chasing they chase me. I chase you and you say its okay for me to play.  Weve been married for so long in this game. Now your shunning me away for a thirst that wasnt mine. WAIT ! STOP! IM CONFUSED? you say im suppose to love you and i do but are you starting to be serious ?  I bite my lip to make sure all the pieces fit. something isnt right. This is starting to become a reality…..Wait.. are you getting jealous ? why are you upset? Im sorry….why am i apologizing I did nothhing wrong this time ? Is this how it starts? Is this where w fall?

 

i

 

 

Baby and me

I had a dream I was pregnant and oh so happy and oh so ready. Imagine the heart break I had when I woke up with a food baby aha. I know what I want and I know I want it now so bad where the tips of my fingers are tingly and my eyes are watery bc I don’t have it. Oh I sweet child of mine you will be loved by me ❤

Sticky fingers

I know it’s temporary but I’m okay with  it, till the time comes. As we lay together finger intertwined between the sheets we wanted to be love. Let’s be real, it’s just lust. Lips connecting to a mutual feeling but different wants. Crazy how the world works. Crazy how people work we both are dressed in clothes but yet we act so raw.  Tell me if I said I love you four months from now would you fix your lips to say it back. My only goal was to make love and be in love. Yours are a hidden agenda covering my eyes whispering sweet empties, relaxing my body to only collapse in the end. Trying to get you to be with me is a temporary fix it seems. So maybe it’s best to keep the distance I’m already feeling…

Angry adult

I’m angry right now for no freaking reason! Wait… I have about six reasons!! There’s 5 adults in this house  we’ve been without tissue since yesterday night like wtf!! Was everyone just holding in everything or what!!  I had to go a drive back to the store because my mom forgot! How do you forget! Does your ass not itch ! Tell me ! I’m just an angry adult! That plus my league of legends account I’m sucking at soraka!  Well not really just my deaths Lolz

Because

Because at three a.m I will sit with you and eat a tub of icecream in are kitchen. Talking about how we first met and how far we’ve come. Because I will wake up before you I will lay next to you thinking how lucky I am to be next to you. Because every morning and every night I will do my best please you the way you please me. Because long random calls have become a thing I’ll do my best to hear your laugh though the phone. Brb

1:22am

I flourish around others who feel. Who are in touch with their humanity and vulnerability in a way that would drop you to your knees. I am more myself around people who understand that other people are real, other people are people too, they feel and laugh and cry and hurt just like everyone else. I am comforted by the presence of philosophical beings that can think deeper than the surface. I revel in openness, introspectiveness, adventure, and creativity. I want to be surrounded by artists and lovers and musicians and emotion.